This is how Google Translate does it I believe.
No way. Five years ago? FIVE? And grampa already used a moustache? and Oso had already appeared? FIVE years? Jesus H. Christ! I've been reading this for sooooo long! Thanks for all these years of Sheldon, Dave!
I hope all spammers suddenly become extremely allergic to their own blood so that they itch horribly from the inside out, and that their own saliva turns to urine and they drown in it.